i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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