just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
