trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
