I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
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People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex