My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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