No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
