youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
