I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
