I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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So many bounce houses so little time
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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