ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
