Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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