He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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