haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
