Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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