I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
