I cannot find my penis.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
