phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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