The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
