She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
