Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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