Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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