my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize