Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
