she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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