Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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