ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
