I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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