Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
