he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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