I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
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So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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