I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
