If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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