so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
