You smell like stripper and shame
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
