I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
