The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
