i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
