i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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