Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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