Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
