Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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