That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
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fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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