Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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