I accidentally had phone sex last night
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
