Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
