Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
