Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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