I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
