You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
