please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
