he wants to bone in the snuggie
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
